


this is all i can hear in my mind

by grisecklie



Category: CSI: Crime Scene Investigation
Genre: Gen, Post-episode tag, i'm dumb
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-21
Updated: 2019-06-21
Packaged: 2020-05-15 19:05:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19301935
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/grisecklie/pseuds/grisecklie
Summary: Gil can read lips, so he knows. It's different hearing the words in Nick's voice.





	this is all i can hear in my mind

**Author's Note:**

> Episode tag for s06e01. This was written before watching the rest of the season. 
> 
> Title is from "Hyperactive" by Riverside.

It's hard for Gil to let Nick out of his sight, even though he's done his best to give Nick all the time he needs. Anything he needs, truly, to get over the lingering trauma that has to be there. It's not hard for Gil to feign detachment, distance-- he's done it a million times before, so he can ignore that itch beneath his fingertips. He can swallow down his need, desire, want to reach out. 

Gil sometimes closes his eyes and sees in his mind Nick's body, covered with fire ant bites, and he wants to soothe the pain away with a gentle touch. Nick's skin has cleared up, the light in his dark brown eyes hasn't faded. By all accounts, nothing has changed. 

_Everything has changed._ It's because Gil _knows_. 

The mangled tape holds answer, maybe holds answers. He doesn't have the tools to do what Archie does and so he hands it off. Finding about a potential unknown actor that might have been directly responsible for what happened to Nick was unpleasant. And he does so hate keeping secrets. 

Nick and Warrick are waiting for him. Archie mentions the message Nick left on the other side and Grissom knows Archie knows. 

"Keep this between us." Gil says, but then requests that the audio be forwarded to him. Just to review, because pieces out of place bothered him, and he wanted nothing more than to turn over every little cadence and nuance to see if what was said was-- he doesn't know. Technically, it was all under duress. 

Gil can read lips, so he knows. It's different hearing the words in Nick's voice. 

With an excuse, he blows off Nick and Warrick, while they go to celebrate Warrick's marriage (and there's a lot to think about regarding that--) so he can see if what he'd saw was what was said. Maybe there'd been distortion, a bad feed, or a mistaken word shape. 

Maybe it was difficult, with the way Nick's Texas drawl came through sometimes. He puts his headphones on and his fingers hover over the play button and he bites the bullet to listen. Nick talks to his parents, to his siblings, to the team. 

To Gil specifically. _"I never meant to disappoint you._ His voice is pitchy, anxious and upset, colored with the unshed or maybe some shed tears. Difficult to tell, in the eerie, pale green of the glowstick. There'd been a pause, long enough, that Gil thought maybe he'd finished, that was all. But his mouth started moving again after a moment. 

Gil had been rooted on the spot, shocked, _humbled_ even. 

_"I always felt that we had a different kind of relationship and I'm sorry if I ever seemed out of sorts with you. I never wanted…_ Nick's voice breaks, he sniffles, and Gil would know he was crying even if he hadn't watched it on the screen. _"Don't show my parents this part, they wouldn't understand, but I always… I think I always loved you, Grissom."_

The tape clicks off and Gil tries to fathom, tries to imagine-- how he's going to face Nick in the evening, knowing what he knew, but not knowing how it sounded. The words ricochet in his mind like a pinball. He makes his decision, quickly, that Nick's a subordinate, too many years younger, and resigns himself to cut himself off from human contact. 

It's easier this way. 

But as he heads to his car he plays with his phone, flipping it open and closed again and seriously considers what he might say, what he might _do_. If he was ever that bold. 

He calls Catherine instead and talks about nothing to take his mind off of everything. 

At the beginning of the shift, he gives Nick a case to work with Greg and he buries himself in a different case with Sara, promising himself to maintain his distance. Nick doesn't know he knows, so no harm and no foul. He thinks he's imagining Nick looks disappointed. 

It's better if he pretends.


End file.
